You're such a kittenhead...

Kittenhead: noun (ktn-hd)

 Everyone knows one of these, or is guilty at one time or another of being one themselves - folks, I introduce to you, the Kittenhead. The one who is vacantly staring at the wall while everyone else is engaged in conversation, or who absentmindedly interjects during said conversations with completely unrelated (and random) comments, the Kittenhead should not be confused with The Idiot, or The Simpleton, yet they may exhibit remarkably similar characteristics to both. The Kittenhead is, in fact, capable of intelligent thought and conversation, yet it slips easily in and out of social awareness, into a state which can only be likened to the type of distraction that a kitten experiences when confronted with a ball of yarn.

 The term originated over a dinner with six friends: five non-Kittenheads, and one Kittenhead (KH). The dinner conversation started off light, then moved to education, and even law-enforcement, at which point the KH disengaged and at several points made unrelated, even Tourrette's-like remarks. It has been speculated that the topics moved beyond the KH's realm of interest, and he, therefore, withdrew attention. As the five non-KH's observed their subject's behaviour, and speculated on what the subject of his thoughts were, they concluded that his brain was temporarily filled with kittens playing with balls of yarn.

You, or someone you know, may have experienced this condition before, but you needn't be alarmed, as it is, for the most part, harmless. Actually, at times it can be quite useful as it allows the subject to remain completely selfish throughout conversations, as the KH's friends will either reach a point of tolerance for, or even enjoyment of the KH's strange, seemingly idiotic trances, or they will follow specific conversational threads that are of interest to said KH, so as to keep him/her engaged.

Shit my mom says

In the line-up at Zara with my mom on the 27th birthday, I, foolishly, whisper to her that my stomach isn't feeling so hot, maybe it was lunch? She nods in acknowledgement, gives me the "Aww, I sympathize with you" look and we continue to wait in line. I should have known I wouldn't get off that easy though, as the woman whispers louder than I talk. A few minutes pass, and she lets the voice immodulation rip,

     "Honey, is your tummy okay? You think you can wait in the line-up, or do you need to get to the bathroom?" drawing stares from the women both in front of us and behind.

I wondered, then, if it was in fact my 5th birthday, and not my 27th.....

    "Really mom? My tummy? I'm gonna make it...thank you."

This makes her laugh hysterically, as she realizes how much of a mom she sounded like, then she has to mock-repeat herself whilst laughing, drawing further attention.

    "Bahah! How's the tumtum pumpkin? Ahaha!!" all in a pretend yell-whisper.

Happy birthday to me! At least my tummy held up through the line-up:)

I love this woman.

Jake Gyllenhaal, Swedish-American Jew, and the Prince of Persia?

Observation of the week: virtually no one in the movie The Prince of Persia, is Persian. Furthermore, everyone in the film has a British accent.

Hmmmm, I may have to dust up on my history of Persia, but something tells me that this was, in fact, wrong. Grossly inaccurate? Pretty ridiculous, if not downright absurd?  Are North Americans that simple that applying a British accent to characters that are set virtually anywhere outside of our continent will suffice in making us "believe" in the authenticity of their foreignness?

I guess so....because goddamn that Swedish-American Jew, Jake Gyllenhaal, makes for one hell of a prince o' Persia. He pretty much had me at "Allo, gov'na", which is "Disney Persian" for "Salam"

How to waste time

I consider myself a resident expert in time-wasting at work, having spent 6 months at a job that is neither interesting, nor stimulating. During my time at work, I have developed a profound skill for distracting myself with basically anything unrelated to my actual job.

Do you hate your job? Are you under stimulated and underpaid? Don't be predictable with your time-wasting by spending countless hours on facebook, creeping on your ex's status updates and looking at older, skinnier pictures of yourself, when you could be doing this:


1) Reading the news. Knowledge is power, so make sure that you're up to snuff on your current events. Be careful not to waste your time on slanted and biased rags such as CNN and The Globe and Mail, though. You can really never believe what you read in those sensationalist rants. I highly recommend visiting http://www.theonion.com/ for a reputable and credible source of a broad range in breaking news. For example, polls have suggested that Obama may, in fact, be a cactus. Who knew? Don't be in the dark any longer...


2) Googling yourself.    Knowledge is power, and self-awareness is empowering, so you should get to know your Internet self.

*Disclaimer* - this may not take up too much of your time, depending on how accessible you are to the world wide web, so don't rely on this as a primary time-waster, and don't use this as a popularity gage because you may be disappointed. (On the other hand, though, if you get lots of hits, go ahead and use that as a gage for not only your popularity, but your importance as a human being, as well as your all around awesomeness.)

3) Writing letters.  I don't mean the obligatory type, like to Aunt Millie, asking how her hip is healing and how many cats she has these days, I mean the kind where you respond exactly the way you would if you had no social filter whatsoever, and, therefore, no concern for how the recipient will react.

So your boss emails you and he's all, "You know that spreadsheet that I asked you to make 20 minutes ago that tracked our expenditure and calculated all kinds of crazy stuff, dating back to the start up the company 6 years ago? Yaa, is that ready yet?" Which can be translated into him barely understanding how to open the spreadsheet, let alone read and understand it, since he obviously has no concept of what it takes to produce it....which is a perfect moment for you to respond using the succinctness of the written word:

"Dear shitiot (this is a shitty idiot),


It's been twenty minutes, so OF COURSE I have that spreadsheet that you asked me for out of nowhere when I was already elbow deep in other shit for your stupid company that you don't know how to run. It was a snap, thanks to all the speed-reading and wizardry I've been mastering over the years. To the normal human, going through six years of poorly-documented accounting for a company they've just started at and recording it into a database so that it can be graphed and analyzed might take longer; but, I take Gingko biloba daily and am a really positive person, which I'm told helps get the job done right, so I finished early.


Just so you know, the part of the spreadsheet that says "I'm drunk" was just a computer error, Excel sometimes does that. I didn't type that, because it's 9:30 and I don't start drinking until at least 11.


Here's the spreadsheet, let me know what you think!

                          - Leigh :) "

(I don't actually drink at work, but I really am (basically) a wizard.)

For great examples of how to do this, you should visit David Thorne's blog (that should also take up a block of time, it's a goodie) to see how he responds to everything from permission slips from his son's school, to noise complaints from his landlord.

http://www.27bslash6.com/    unreal.

Now, I'm not suggested you SEND these letters, but writing them wastes a lot of time, is therapeutic, and is worth a few laughs.


4) Keeping hydrated. *Hiccough*. 

It's after 11 now and I'm pretty sure it's 5 o'clock somewhere. You see where I'm going with this...






Okay so those a just a few ways to occupy yourself in the workplace. Get back to work...?